assisted living

Expecting the Unexpected

August 9, 2012 by Nancy 8 Comments

Two categories of folks in our society need a bit of extra nurturing and attention: the very young and the very old. If, like me, you are blessed to be in between these two groups on life’s journey, you probably spend time caring for one or both. And as an “in betweener” you soon learn to expect the unexpected.

Certainly children aren’t predictable, and words you wish they wouldn’t repeat can come out of their mouths in public any time, any place! I was sure I had learned all there was to know about expecting the unexpected the year I was a Cub Scout den mother. But even those darling, unpredictable eight-year-old boys, who were calm and attentive one minute and pinging off the walls the next, did little to prepare me for the volunteer work I do with older adults now.

One day I was setting up the room for the devotional hour I facilitate at an assisted living residence when a dear resident who had been coming to the group for weeks came into the room. She walked directly up to me, took both my hands in hers and said, “I will give you any amount of money to take me home.” My heart was breaking as I explained to her that I really couldn’t do that. Over her shoulder I saw the tears in the eyes of the caregiver assigned to her.

The next week I came braced for a similar difficult situation, but none occurred. In fact, one class attendee gave me a big hug as she was leaving and said, “I love you and I always have.” Now whether she means she’s loved me for the two years she’s been attending the class, or whether she momentarily thought I was her daughter or granddaughter, I’ll never know. But does it really matter? That day I left with a much lighter heart and a bounce in my step.

At the end of each class session we always sing a familiar hymn and I hand out a copy of the words to each person. One day we sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” after a lesson on “Walking in Truth.” Later, as we were in the middle of gathering prayer requests, one of the ladies happened to notice the words to the hymn on the handout in front of her. “Hey, we should sing this!” she said loudly. By the grace of the Holy Spirit I took a deep breath and said, “Sure, let’s sing it!” Not only did we sing “His truth is marching on…” more enthusiastically than we did the first time, but this time, at her suggestion, we also marched around the room—canes and walkers tapping out the rhythm! Would I have wanted to miss that by telling her we’d already sung our hymn for the day? Not on your life.

So whether you are caring for the very young or the very old, go ahead and make a “to do” list for the day but consider putting “be flexible” at the top of it. In the number two position I suggest adding “don’t miss the blessings,” because there are sure to be many of them. Bathing your efforts in prayer is always a good idea, then move forward confidently as you expect the unexpected.

When the Roles Reverse

March 15, 2012 by Nancy 2 Comments

On one of my visits to Tennessee from Colorado to visit my mother at her assisted living facility, the two of us started down the hall to go to the dining room for dinner. Holding onto the railing that ran along one side of the wall with her right hand, Mom reached her left hand out to grab hold of mine. “Somehow I always feel better when you’re here to hold my hand,” she said, as down the hall we went.

I knew that feeling all too well. When I was a little girl and Mom took me downtown to shop for a new Easter dress or back-to-school shoes, I felt better when she held my hand as we crossed the busy street. Going up those big tall stairs into the school where I would start kindergarten, I couldn’t have made it without her hand to steady me. All my life I’d found security in reaching out for her and knowing she was there for me. Now she was saying, “Take my hand again,” only it was she needing the reassurance, and me being asked to find the courage and the strength to provide it.

It’s not as if she was alone during the months between my visits. My two sisters were local and visited her frequently, and she was surrounded by other caregivers and friends in her facility. But Mom liked knowing all three of her “chicks” were home to roost, and so holding my hand gave her a special sense of security.

To say I was pleased to take her hand is an understatement, but most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, are reluctant to accept the role reversal it represents. We see signs of aging in our parents that startle or alarm us, but we dismiss them as momentary lapses or anomalies. After all, if we accept that we now have to be the one to make the decisions and carry the load, then we are relinquishing the security we’ve always found in relying on our parents to do that.

And our reluctance to accept the role reversal has nothing to do with our chronological age. Some of my friends lost their mothers at a young age and were involved in their care when they were only in their twenties or thirties. A special friend of my mom’s was in his eighties when his mother passed away in a nursing home.

Regardless of how old we are when the roles reverse, we just wish things could stay the way they were a bit longer. In the midst of so much uncertainty, holding hands is never a bad choice.

Assisted Living Camp

March 15, 2012 by Nancy Leave a Comment

After an agonizing period of decision-making, my two sisters and I checked my mom into an assisted living facility. The day we took her to her new apartment, we kept sensing we’d experienced it all before.

This made no sense until one sister exclaimed, “I know what it is—it’s just like dropping a kid off at camp!” I don’t want to seem disrespectful to the aging in the least, after all we are the next generation headed toward assisted living, but the similarities are poignantly amazing.

Seeing an attractive woman seated in the hallway, we steered our mom in that direction. “She looks nice, Mom. Why don’t we go over and meet her? Maybe she plays bridge.” How like the efforts parents make to ensure their children make new friends at camp.

Concerns and complaints about the food in the dining hall are certainly similar, as is the clothing situation. My mother-in-law was in assisted living in our hometown, so I was the one charged with trying to keep up with all her laundry—a frustrating and fruitless endeavor. The only solution was to make sure her name was boldly imprinted on every single piece of clothing, sheet or pillowcase—just like at camp.

We expect our kids to participate in camp activities, and we hope our moms in assisted living will engage as well. In an effort to encourage my mom-in-law, I decided to join in one of the activities. Several times I called and reminded her that I was coming on Monday for the apple butter festival. I entered her room with a cheerful, “Hi! I’m here for the festival. Are you ready to go?” She replied, “I’m not going to that. Why are you going?” In this, as in many aspects of what my ninety-year-old friend mistakenly calls “assumed living,” it helps to keep a sense of humor.

But there are serious comparisons, too. We entrust our children to the care of camp counselors, but we can’t help but wonder if they are alright in the middle of the night. How often I woke up wondering if my mother and mother-in-law were truly safe. Was someone sneaking into their rooms to rob them of their few personal possessions? Had they fallen out of bed unable to call for help? At such times, whether with kids at camp or moms in assisted living, the best thing we can do is pray. In both cases, we send them off with our good intentions—and a whole lot of faith.