elder care

Those caring for older adults would be wise to remember the power and comfort of lifelong friendships, and to do all they can to help the elders they love sustain their key friendships, whether in reality or just in memory.

“The Best Antiques are Old Friends,” reads a popular friendship saying. Whenever I see that motto stitched on a sampler or framed in a gift shop, I think of my mother-in-law, Mary Frances, and the friendship she shared for almost 70 years with Dorothea and Dorothea’s sister Jim (a nickname that stuck). All three of them are gone now, but while they were still alive I had a chance to ask them how they became such good, lifelong friends.

“We met at the streetcar stop on Pearl Street in Denver when I was sixteen,” Mary Frances remembered. “I lived in one apartment building and Dorothea and Jim lived in the one next door.”

“I saw her standing at the stop from my second story window,” Dorothea remembered. “I knew she went to our school, so I decided Jim and I should go down and talk to her.” The three were inseparable from that day on.

“One time we rode the streetcar together to a band concert at the park, but I couldn’t even tell you who was playing,” Dorothea said. “We talked a blue streak that night, and I guess we just never stopped.”

One summer my husband and I took Mary Frances to Las Vegas, New Mexico, to Jim’s 80^th birthday party. Although she was the youngest of the three friends, Alzheimer’s was slowly robbing Jim of their shared memories. Through tear-filled eyes we watched Mary Frances and Jim embrace. Dorothea was there too, oxygen tank and all.

“If we live to be 103, we’ll still be best friends you and me,” reads another friendship quote. Given the power of friendship to sustain us, it’s no wonder a strong friendship can even outlast the death of one of the friends.

Help older adults you know stay in touch with their friends who are still living, even if it has to be a long-distance phone call rather than a visit over a cup of coffee. When you visit, ask them about good friends they have lost. How did they meet? What did they like about one another? What would they change if they could? What do they miss the most about their friend?

The gift of friendship is too precious to discard along with all the other losses that can accompany growing older. Embrace it, and encourage it in the elders you know and love.

After an agonizing period of decision-making, my two sisters and I checked my mom into an assisted living facility. The day we took her to her new apartment, we kept sensing we’d experienced it all before.

This made no sense until one sister exclaimed, “I know what it is—it’s just like dropping a kid off at camp!” I don’t want to seem disrespectful to the aging in the least, after all we are the next generation headed toward assisted living, but the similarities are poignantly amazing.

Seeing an attractive woman seated in the hallway, we steered our mom in that direction. “She looks nice, Mom. Why don’t we go over and meet her? Maybe she plays bridge.” How like the efforts parents make to ensure their children make new friends at camp.

Concerns and complaints about the food in the dining hall are certainly similar, as is the clothing situation. My mother-in-law was in assisted living in our hometown, so I was the one charged with trying to keep up with all her laundry—a frustrating and fruitless endeavor. The only solution was to make sure her name was boldly imprinted on every single piece of clothing, sheet or pillowcase—just like at camp.

We expect our kids to participate in camp activities, and we hope our moms in assisted living will engage as well. In an effort to encourage my mom-in-law, I decided to join in one of the activities. Several times I called and reminded her that I was coming on Monday for the apple butter festival. I entered her room with a cheerful, “Hi! I’m here for the festival. Are you ready to go?” She replied, “I’m not going to that. Why are you going?” In this, as in many aspects of what my ninety-year-old friend mistakenly calls “assumed living,” it helps to keep a sense of humor.

But there are serious comparisons, too. We entrust our children to the care of camp counselors, but we can’t help but wonder if they are alright in the middle of the night. How often I woke up wondering if my mother and mother-in-law were truly safe. Was someone sneaking into their rooms to rob them of their few personal possessions? Had they fallen out of bed unable to call for help? At such times, whether with kids at camp or moms in assisted living, the best thing we can do is pray. In both cases, we send them off with our good intentions—and a whole lot of faith.

Old Friends Are Best

Assisted Living Camp