Friendship

Find Your Friends

July 21, 2022 by Nancy 21 Comments

A needlepoint sampler I inherited was stitched by a great aunt in 1933 and reads, “To a friend’s house the road is never long.” The road my husband and I took from Colorado Springs, CO, to Montrose, CO, to see my friend Betty is 230.9 miles long, the estimated time extended by construction delays in the Black Canyon. It felt long that day. So when we pulled into Betty’s driveway and saw her pretty home with the hanging flower basket and manicured yard, I breathed a sigh of relief. When we stepped inside to be greeted by Betty sitting in her favorite recliner, the road no longer seemed long at all.

Elizabeth Van Liere (Betty) and I met many years ago at a writer’s conference although neither of us can remember exactly which one. We just remember that we immediately “clicked,” having our love for writing and our love for the Lord in common. She published her first book, Dare to Live, Devotions for Those Over the Hill, Not Under It!, in 2011 at the age of 87. Her second book, Dare to Laugh, Devotions for Those Full of Years, was released four years later.

Available through Iron Stream Media or Amazon.com.

Yet Betty had been writing and publishing articles, poems, children’s stories and devotions in periodicals for at least 60 years before venturing into book publishing. “The first little story I wrote was about a rooster,” Betty recalls, “and I sold it to Jack and Jill Magazine.”

I knew Betty to be a faithful attender of writer’s conferences, but when I asked her if she’d ever had any formal education to prepare her for her life as a writer she quipped, “No. I was born smart.” Clearly, that’s true. God also gave her the gift of laughter making her a delight to be around. Her witticisms have often appeared in the comments she consistently adds to my blog posts, and she’s encouraged me in my writing time and again. Recently she shared news of my new book, The Hope of Glory, Volume Two, with ladies at her church.

When I told Betty that we wanted to stop in to see her and gave her the date she said, “OK, I’ll try to hang on.” We’re so glad she did! It was a joy to just sit and visit about her life, learning things I never gleaned from the warm relationship we’ve developed over email and Facebook these many years. I learned she was born and raised in Holland, MI, and that she and her husband Chet visited Germany, lived in Colorado, New Mexico and Oregon, and wintered in Mexico for years before his death from cancer in 1991. Her family now consists of their four grown children, 10 grandchildren and 21 great-grandchildren. She and her daughter Joanne share the home in Montrose.

While her husband pursued a career in the automotive industry, Betty often worked in high school libraries in towns where they lived, and I can’t imagine a better fit for her. When I asked her what’s next, she said, “I’m going to go up, that’s what!” pointing up to heaven. She will be 99 in November.

I recently read a book by Jennie Allen titled Find Your People. In it she encourages readers to experience the power of friendship as it was meant to be; to go out of their way to find and maintain friendships. I’m so glad I found Betty.

In Case You Didn’t Know

July 30, 2020 by Nancy 12 Comments

Sometimes scientific research produces results that are amazing, and sometimes the end result of all that time and money spent is simply duh-mazing. The conclusion is so obvious any one of us could have arrived at it ourselves.

For example, friendship has been the topic of many research studies over the past few decades. One Harvard study followed a class of graduates for 80 years to determine, among other lifestyle factors, how friendship affected their well-being. Other friendship studies Google lists cover how long it takes to make a friend, what attracts one person to another in a friendship-building sort of way, how marriage partners often value their friendship over their sex life, and even how friendship can make the difference in later years in the fight against isolation and loneliness. This is all well and good, but didn’t we know this before? Anyone with even one friend reaps the benefits and knows the value of friendship. Do we really need scientists to tell us it’s important?

Another topic for research? Gratitude. Studies show that grateful people are generally less depressed, less stressed, and for the most part happier than people who fail to recognize all the many things in their lives for which to be thankful. Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., wrote a book titled Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. In the book the author, who is editor-in-chief of the Journal of Positive Psychology—examines “what it means to think and feel gratefully and invites readers to learn how to put this powerful emotion into practice.” Scientifically speaking, Emmons states, “regular grateful thinking can increase happiness by as much as 25 percent.” I read enough of the book to say the material is well-presented and interesting, and I’m sure his study is empirically sound, but for the most part I already knew that. You?

And then there’s the subject of kindness. A recent AP article on kindness reported that a University of California Riverside psychology professor conducted numerous experiments over 20 years and “repeatedly found that people feel better when they are kind to others, even more than when they are kind to themselves.” Subjects who went out of their way to do an extra three acts of kindness each week for others, even small things like opening a door, “became happier and felt more connected to the world.” OK, then. No surprises there!

As I read the results from all these studies I couldn’t help but think our mothers were right. To make a friend be a friend. Be thankful for what you have and express your gratitude to others. Treat people the way you want to be treated (The Golden Rule). In other words, find a friend, be grateful for that friend, do something kind for that friend…and be happy! No scientific study required.

Friendships and “Furships”

February 26, 2020 by Nancy 20 Comments

How would we get through life without our friends—or the fur friends we love so much? This has been a sad and silent week in our home. We had to say goodbye to our sweet cat, Molly, last week. I never realized how much her meows—with different intonations for each communication—had become such a part of the soundtrack of our lives for the past 16 years until they were gone. The silence is deafening.

Her physical absence is agonizing, too. She’s not by the door asking to go out on the deck. She’s not getting me up to feed her, or sitting on my lap early in the morning as I have my quiet time. (I’ve actually had to set an alarm this week.) She’s not sidling up to my husband Jim for some extra pats in front of the fire, or jumping from his lap to mine and back again as the three of us settle in to watch TV in the evening. She’s simply not here. And we miss our fur friend.

This is when the human friendships we have mean more than ever, however! Those friends with pets, or who have been loved by pets in the past, truly know the pain of losing a fur friend who was part of the rhythm of daily life. The first day Molly was gone a neighbor stopped by with a card, a bottle of wine, and the time to just sit and talk about Molly for a bit. A true friend.

Messages from friends on Facebook were so kind: “My heart breaks for you.” “She was such a sweet kitty.” “I’m so very sorry for your loss.” Please know that I know losing a pet doesn’t compare to losing a sibling, a parent, or a spouse. But it is a loss nonetheless, and it’s so sweet when friends come alongside to acknowledge it. A friend from afar texted, “Many, many of my best friends have had fur, and many of my best memories are of them. I’m sorry you have lost your friend. You’ll have your memories forever.” So true.

Pet therapy from my friend Beth's collie, Maisie, and her fur friend Duchess. — Pet therapy from my friend Beth’s collie, Maisie, and her fur friend Duchess.

The long phone calls that included laughter, the notes and cards that came in the mail, the friend who invited me over for some sympathy licks from her dog, all of it helped this week. And all of it underscored the fact that we need one another.

It didn’t surprise me to read that a new book by science journalist Lydia Denworth, Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, includes research proving that friendship is not only good for our emotional health but for our physical health as well. Bottom line: People with at least one good friend tend to live longer, happier lives. No surprise, but good to have the scientific confirmation.

So cherish your human friends and your fur friends—nurture your friendships and your “furships.” Give of yourself generously, and you will be so very blessed in return.

In the Company of Goats

July 18, 2016 by Nancy 10 Comments

I can’t think of a more exhilarating way to spend a warm summer’s day than in the company of goats. Until recently my only experience with a goat was as a child. For a while my family had a goat we unimaginatively named Billy. I think he was on loan from a larger farm as my father liked to expose my sisters and me to different animals. We thought Billy was entertaining and fun, but after he ate 12 blooms off my mother’s prized geranium plant, he was sent packing!

Recently I met many more goats when I took “The Goat Cheese Making Class” from The Goat Cheese Lady, Lindsey Aparicio, at her family’s farm in Penrose, CO (www.thegoatcheeselady.com). Not only did my three friends and I learn how to make three varieties of goat cheese, we used the milk we had milked from the goats that morning! We also learned all about the goats and the workings of the farm, then enjoyed a wonderful brunch that included the bread and goat cheese we made ourselves, the eggs we collected from the hens, and a fresh green salad. Gourmet chefs eat your hearts out. This simple, homemade repast was one of the best meals any of us ever had!

Memories of the day are all sprinkled with sun, laughter, and the gentle bleatings of goats of all sizes. Did I mention we got to help herd a bunch of young goats from their pen to an open pasture? Hilarious. Driving home I realized there is much to be learned by spending a day in the company of goats.

First, be willing to greet people you don’t know yet. The gentle calls of the goats when we first got out of our car began the relationships that became much more intimate when we learned to coax milk from their udders. I won’t say we became bosom buddies, but we sure got closer!

Second, know who to trust and then trust completely. When we were milking the goats, Lindsey cautiously held their back legs because our hands were strange to them and they might react and step in the milk. But when Lindsey or her son André were milking the goats, they totally relaxed. They knew who to trust.

Third, remember that giving and receiving are intrinsically connected. As the female goats willingly gave their life-giving milk they got sweet feed to munch. They also enjoyed the relief that came from being milked, as any lactating mom will attest. Giving and receiving. Both are blessings.

And lastly, if a gate opens, run through it! My friends and I were a bit tired at the end of the day. After all, herding goats wasn’t a normal daily activity for any of us. But we were so glad we had leapt at the opportunity. Just like those darling and daring baby goats.

Old Friends Are Best

April 15, 2012 by Nancy 4 Comments

Those caring for older adults would be wise to remember the power and comfort of lifelong friendships, and to do all they can to help the elders they love sustain their key friendships, whether in reality or just in memory.

“The Best Antiques are Old Friends,” reads a popular friendship saying. Whenever I see that motto stitched on a sampler or framed in a gift shop, I think of my mother-in-law, Mary Frances, and the friendship she shared for almost 70 years with Dorothea and Dorothea’s sister Jim (a nickname that stuck). All three of them are gone now, but while they were still alive I had a chance to ask them how they became such good, lifelong friends.

“We met at the streetcar stop on Pearl Street in Denver when I was sixteen,” Mary Frances remembered. “I lived in one apartment building and Dorothea and Jim lived in the one next door.”

“I saw her standing at the stop from my second story window,” Dorothea remembered. “I knew she went to our school, so I decided Jim and I should go down and talk to her.” The three were inseparable from that day on.

“One time we rode the streetcar together to a band concert at the park, but I couldn’t even tell you who was playing,” Dorothea said. “We talked a blue streak that night, and I guess we just never stopped.”

One summer my husband and I took Mary Frances to Las Vegas, New Mexico, to Jim’s 80^th birthday party. Although she was the youngest of the three friends, Alzheimer’s was slowly robbing Jim of their shared memories. Through tear-filled eyes we watched Mary Frances and Jim embrace. Dorothea was there too, oxygen tank and all.

“If we live to be 103, we’ll still be best friends you and me,” reads another friendship quote. Given the power of friendship to sustain us, it’s no wonder a strong friendship can even outlast the death of one of the friends.

Help older adults you know stay in touch with their friends who are still living, even if it has to be a long-distance phone call rather than a visit over a cup of coffee. When you visit, ask them about good friends they have lost. How did they meet? What did they like about one another? What would they change if they could? What do they miss the most about their friend?

The gift of friendship is too precious to discard along with all the other losses that can accompany growing older. Embrace it, and encourage it in the elders you know and love.