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Nancy Parker Brummett

Nancy Parker Brummett

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Redefining Love

February 13, 2014 by Nancy 14 Comments

LoveI remember the Valentine’s Day in elementary school I dumped all the valentines out of my construction-paper covered shoebox and counted them. When I realized I got the same number as everyone else in the class, no more and no less, the valentines lost their meaning.

“They had to give me these valentines,” I thought. “It doesn’t mean anyone really loves me.”

Maybe your kids will come home this week feeling less than loved because their bags of valentines were just like everyone else’s, or they didn’t receive all the valentines they wanted.

Psychologist Myrna Shure, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Hahnemann University in Philadelphia, urges parents to deal with such disappointments by helping children to talk about what they like about the valentine givers instead of the valentines, and to focus on the valentines they did get—not the ones they didn’t.

These are good suggestions, yet they overlook the opportunity parents in this situation have to teach kids three truths about love: First, love sometimes hurts. Second, love also heals. And third, there are many different kinds of love.

These truths are often obscured by the hype of Valentine’s Day. Each year Americans celebrate the holiday by sending over a billion cards and 60 to 70 million roses. All this emphasis on romance and the idealization of perfect relationships can lead children to believe falsely that love is all hearts and flowers.

Yet the young woman facing the break-up of a relationship or marriage knows love hurts. The parent whose child has taken a destructive path on the way to adulthood knows love hurts. The 80-year-old watching a beloved spouse slip into the fog of Alzheimer’s knows love hurts.

Children need to understand that love can hurt so they will learn to appreciate that love can also heal. A hug and a listening ear are signs of love’s healing power at work at any age. Kids need to experience both often.

They also need to learn to recognize the many different faces of love. Charlie Brown will return from the mailbox empty-handed if that little, curly red-haired girl rejects him again, but he will go home to a family that provides for him and a dog that accepts him just the way he is. He is loved.

The single man or woman whose friends call and want to get together is loved. So is the big sister whose little brother waits patiently by the door for her to get home from school so she can play with him.

We need to encourage our children to continue seeking and celebrating love in all forms, in spite of the pain it may bring, because of the incredible power it has to make life worth living.

Leo Buscaglia, in his book Living, Loving & Learning, writes, “I’m really convinced that if you were to define love, the only word big enough to engulf it all would be ‘life.’ Love is life in all of its aspects. And if you miss love, you miss life. Please don’t.”

This week our pastor reminded us of the greatest truth about love: Loving God first makes it possible for us to love ourselves and love others (Matthew 22:37). Tell the kids, and believe it yourself. Love is much bigger than Valentine’s Day.

Filed Under: Back Porch Break Tagged With: love, Loving God, Valentine's Day

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Michael Rhoda says

    February 13, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Nice message…almost as good as getting a Valentine! 😉

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      February 14, 2014 at 11:05 am

      Thanks, Mike. Bet you’ll get to buy (or pick) some exotic flowers there today for you Valentine! Enjoy!

      Reply
  2. Jan Keller says

    February 13, 2014 at 10:57 am

    And dear Nancy, I want you to know that you are among the ‘loves’ in my life! Beautiful column!

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      February 14, 2014 at 11:05 am

      Same to you. Thanks for sharing it. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

      Reply
  3. marylinwarner says

    February 13, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Wonderful reminders, Nancy. The real lesson of love is often buried deep beneath cards and flowers and fancy dinners during the celebrations of the commercial Valentine’s Day. Buscaglia’s definition of love as being life says it all, and we don’t want to miss life in all its many dimensions.

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      March 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Thank you, Marylin! And amen.

      Reply
  4. Beth Lueders says

    February 13, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Nancy, your writing on the realities of love is so powerful and poignant. LOVE your words! Your three truths on love are practical and spot on. Thank you for inspiring us all to a deeper love beyond valentines, hearts and flowers.

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      March 12, 2014 at 11:39 am

      You’re so welcome. Hope you are showered with hearts and love!

      Reply
  5. Jim Brummett says

    February 14, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    I am so proud to call you my Valentine. Beautiful message on Love.

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      February 16, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Thanks for showing me love every day!

      Reply
  6. Kay Walker says

    February 14, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    This is so timely as our Children are teaching about His Love and His forgiveness! I hope you have had a beautiful day, Nancy! Maybe we will see you in Knoxville soon! I love reading your words.

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      February 16, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Thank you, Kay! It would be great to “overlap” there. Take care.

      Reply
  7. alice scott-ferguson says

    February 15, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    it is LIFE indeed!
    at times drunk in small sips and savored with delight
    at other times gulped in bitter drafts that chokes and splutters
    another wonderful reflection, Nancy!

    Reply
    • Nancy says

      February 16, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      Thank you, my friend. We’ll talk soon.

      Reply

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